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Archive for the ‘Science’ Category

Marvin Gottstein wanted to do something to help people who were ill so he gave 100 million dollars to Cedars to help them build a new hospital wing. Gottstein figured that his money would be used to help cure cancer or heart disease, but it wasn’t. The Marvin Gottstein Center for Premature Ejaculation opened this week and Gottstein is hardly thrilled about it; in fact, he is actually now suing to get his money back. “What is this? I give them money and they spend it on schtupping?” cried the Yiddish accented Gottstein at the gala opening. “I endured the death camps and worked my tukkus off for this?”
The Gottstein Center is run by urologist Dr. Barry Finkel who had lobbied the hospital for years to get the center. “We finally have a place that reflects society’s concern for this dreaded medical condition,” said Finkel. “Now men can come to a place for help with their heads held high, so to speak, and get the help they so desperately need.” Recent studies have shown that premature ejaculation is indeed a problem for some men, but Gottstein isn’t buying it as a medical condition and clearly doesn’t want his name associated with the malady.

The Center is a four story high phallic shaped building with a rather conspicuous fountain on the roof that shoots water thirty seconds after the hour every hour – Finkel claims that the post-mature firing inspires patients. The interior of the building is blanketed with images of Rosie O’Donnell and Ellen Degeneres.

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NORTHRIDGE, California — Do you know where your bazizzy is?

Dr. Jerome Marks was fired from Northridge Hospital last month because administrators and other doctors were not pleased with the way he was communicating with patients; he is now counter-suing for wrongful termination.

Apparently, freedom of speech is something that we value, but only conditionally.

Marks is a proctologist who performs rap and hip-hop music when he’s not in the O.R.  Last year he began do raps for his patients to help explain their conditions and treatments. Problems arose, however, when one of the patients, 83-year-old Darma Feingold, a major hospital donor, asked a nurse what Dr. Marks meant when he told her, “You’ve got some shizzy in your hizzy.”

The nurse, an ex-lover of Marks’ lover (and his former backup singer), encouraged Feingold to file a formal complaint and reported the incident to hospital officials, after which they decided to terminate Marks’ employment.

“Patients don’t understand medical jargon, but people really get rap,” says Marks. “If I tell you that you have a squamous carcinoma in your rectum, you have no idea what I’m talking about. But if I tell you that there’s a ‘dawizzy in your bazizzy’ then you know what’s up with that.”

Marks has put together a proctology-themed rap album (“It’s My Duty to Heal Your Booty”) and will be touring in support of it while waiting for his case to go to court.

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Birdy, Birdy in the Sky

Look out below

PASADENA, Ca. – Birds like Joe Mayberry, but he doesn’t necessarily like them. Well, it is actually difficult to say for sure that they like him, but if going to the bathroom on a human is a sign of affection in the bird world then they definitely like Joe. For the past year, every time Joe goes outside he is immediately swarmed by birds and they do their business all over him. It’s a pretty messy situation.

Mayberry initially thought the whole thing was some kind of a fluke – perhaps some new flock of birds had moved into his neighborhood or the birds were ill– but when it happened time and time again no matter where he was at, Joe realized he or the birds had some kind of a problem. “This has ruined my life,” said Mayberry. “I’ve lost my girlfriend, my job, and now I am agoraphobic. It’s like having a terminal illness.”

Joe contacted L.A. Animal Control about the issue a few months ago, and after they stopped laughing, they told him that there was nothing they could do about it. “One of them told me to wear something that was easy to rinse off and they started giggling and hung up,” said the distraught Mayberry.

Scientists at UCLA have taken some interest Joe’s problem, but they are at a loss to explain the oddity. “We tried several things, including having him dress up as a bird, but nothing has worked thus far,” said Dr. Greg Mendel, a professor of zoology. “I came up with this idea to cover him with cow crap, but he didn’t want to do it. And now I’m stuck with a pile of manure in my office.”

They say, however, that every cloud has a silver lining, and every bird crap covered man is…well,…a bird crap covered man. But Joe has managed to make some lemonade out of his lemony predicament: he is now being hired to stand in parks and be shat on. “They use me when they are cleaning statues. They want to clean up Mt. Rushmore and they offered me some good money, so it looks like I’m going to be spending my summer in South Dakota.”

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