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Archive for the ‘Lifestyle’ Category

Take Your Time, Honey

DOWNEY – There are probably few things in life more painful for men than going shopping with the little lady, but one department store seems to have figured out a way to make shopping more enjoyable for men.  Would shopping be more interesting for you  if the trip to the mall included a lap dance?  What if you could spend a few hours trying on strippers while your wife was trying on dresses?  Dorman’s department store opened a strip club, The Dressing Room, within their flagship store three months ago and the store has never been busier.  “My wife dragged me to Dorman’s a couple of weeks ago because she felt we needed some new furniture,” said Bill Parnell.  “I heard some music and guys hooting and went to investigate and I couldn’t believe my eyes.  Now I want to go shopping every weekend.”   Bill Dorman II, the store manager, came up with the idea after attending a bachelor party and observing how happy men get when they are surrounded by strippers.  “I figured that the negative attitude of the guys was hurting sales.  It’s a real win-win-win situation now,” said Dorman.  But are the women bothered by the club?  “Are you kidding,” said one.  “My husband not only lets me buy what I want now, but when we got home from shopping the other night he stuffed a five in my underwear!”

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lang

Lang wins at Christian Adult awards

RESEDA – Some things just seem to go together like baseball and hot dogs, peanut butter and chocolate, and some would say hotties and string bikinis.  And there are those things that should probably never be paired.  Helmut Lang, an Austrian filmmaker, decided last year that he wanted to pair Christianity and pornography and he is now suffering some of the consequences of that decision.  With titles such as The Passions of the Christ, Brotherly Love, Love Thy Neighbor and Oh God, I’m Coming under his belt, Lang figured that it was just a matter of time before Paramount would be tapping him to direct their next feature, but Lang has instead become enemy number one of the Christian right and now faces possible criminal charges.  Lang feels that Christians have been portrayed as being bad at sex, that they only do the missionary position, so he wanted to show the world that being a Christian can be sexy and also incorporate Christian messages in his movies.  But several leading Christian groups apparently don’t want Christians to be portrayed as being sexy and they hardly see Lang as a Jesus-like character.  Pastor John Roberts, the President of the Christian Family Values Coalition, wants Lang to be punished for his transgressions.  Upon hearing this Lang responded, “I guess I won’t be releasing Sermon on the Mounds anytime soon.”

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LONG BEACH, Calif. — What California commuter hasn’t ever had the urge to just walk away from traffic entirely?  Well, George Hart found a way to kayak away from it all.

To be sure, there are plenty of jokes about trashy conditions and skanky water quality in the notorious SoCal landmark that is the Los Angeles River, but such folklore didn’t stop the resourceful Hart from making an impromptu purchase of a kayak and sliding into the murky waters a few months ago.

“I saw the ‘Kayak For Sale’ sign, then I saw a sign that said “Los Angeles River,” and just then the song “Rollin’ on the River” came over the radio!   I didn’t even know there was any water in the damn river — it was an act of faith.  I never even looked back at my car.  I shelled out fifty bucks on the spot and dragged that kayak somehow down to actual water, put the yellow beast in, and it’s been smooth paddling ever since.”

And how has the commute been so far? Hart admits that he’s pretty wet and dirty by the time he gets to work in downtown Long Beach, but manages to sneak into work before his colleagues and make use of a company shower.  George also claims that his unconventional commute has helped him lose 100 pounds – not too many L.A. highway commuters can claim that.  

What’s the strangest thing he has seen on the Los Angeles River?  “Large trees, exotic birds, schools of fish, friendly people — I was completely unprepared for those things.”

What’s the oddest thing that ever happened?  “I almost got tagged once by a gang, but they were so blown away by me, this strange guy floating down the river, that they dropped their cans and they now salute me when I pass their way and call me the Loco Rio Hombre.”

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Al Fresco takes a break from tour

Al Fresco takes a break from tour

DOWNTOWN – It’s the holidays and that means it’s holiday home tour season! Holiday home tours are a great way for the community to come together and enjoy the holiday spirit and residential design together. As an addded bonus, many tours are associated with local charities or community organizations and tour tickets and gift purchases help support those in need. The Center for Urban Modular Design has put together an exciting tour of the homes of the homeless on Los Angeles Street and it’s a major hit. Attendees get a chance to experience some unique habitats while sipping on some warm holiday concoctions prepared by the architect/owners. Since many Angelenos are headed toward homelessness the tour gives one some great ideas on how to make a home out of found objects. One resident built a Gaudi-esque masterpiece using an abandoned Ford Expedition, cardboard, and traffic cones. “Frank Gehry did the tour last week and I saw him taking pictures and taking notes,” said architecture critic Bruno Levi. “These hobos are literally working outside and inside the box and that freedom is allowing them to redefine the American home.”

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Time to Flee

Time to Flee

SIMI VALLEY— After three weeks of searing temperatures and fires, the National Weather Service is forecasting colder weather for California this week, prompting Governor Schwarzenegger and Mayor Villaraigosa to issue an evacuation notice urging Angelenos to pack up and evacuate to warmer climes. 

Temperatures are expected to be two degrees colder than normal.  Hotels in Nevada and Arizona have been bombarded with business since the announcement and most are already booked.  Howard Jackson, the owner of Bob’s Adult Motel in Winslow, Arizona, describes the evacuation situation as chaotic, “I don’t have the staff to handle this number of people.  I can barely get the sheets changed in this place as it is.  I hope people aren’t expecting much.  This is an adult motel, it’s not the Hampton Inn.  Some people are bringing kids with them.  They better bring earplugs too.”

Dr. Shirley Kaharty, with the Los Angeles County Department of Health Services, believes that the evacuation is absolutely necessary and will save millions of lives. “We know that cold weather can kill people, animals, plants, and damage property.  Why risk it?  Going to Arizona and Nevada for the weekend could be fun.  People should think of this as an adventure and stop complaining.  I’m going to Mandalay Bay in Vegas and I intend to have a good time.”

It also appears that the evacuation may become mandatory.  A Schwarzenegger spokesperson said they will not be squeamish about dragging people from their homes.  “When the governor makes a declaration he’s not messing around.  We’ve got plenty of ways to get people to do what we want.”  When asked about the people who have no resources to leave, Schwarzenegger’s spokesperson responded with a shoulder shrug and jumped into a black Yukon and took off.

Most meteorologists are at a loss to explain the drastic change in the weather, but one of them, Dr. Harold Bobkin, has some ideas, “It’s global colding.  Everybody’s been so caught up in global warming that they’ve missed the signs of global colding and now it’s about to hit us in the face like an icy snowball.” 

Marcus Brashear of Simi Valley has decided to follow the emergency evacuation order, but his wife is staying.  “I think this is a good time for him to leave,” she giggled.  “I’ll be okay. We’ve got a new hot tub and I”ve got a new friend to keep me warm.”

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Menorah Mountain

Allen set to entertain at Menorah Mountain

Allen set to entertain at Menorah Mountain

SANTA CLARITA – Menorah Mountain, a Jewish-themed amusement park, opened this past weekend to large crowds of Southern California Jews.  The park is the brainchild of two L.A. area rabbis, Meyer Golden and Seymour Sherman, who were frustrated by the entertainment offerings for Hassidic families.  Some of the more tranquil rides like the Whirling Star of David (akin to Disney’s Mad Hatter spinning tea cups) as well as the Soviet Jewry-Go-Round are great fun for the kiddies.  The Guilt Trip and The Jewish Mother are old school wooden roller coasters that have riders screaming their lungs out and begging to get off.  The food offerings include Hebrew National hot dogs, gefilte fish on a shtick, and herring tacos – like Mexican fish tacos served with a dollop of horseradish.  The most popular game at the park is the Irv Rubin Shooting Gallery, where one can vent their frustrations at toy Nazi soldiers, white supremacists, Middle East terrorists and many others icons of intolerance who have given the Jews a hard time over the years.  Despite the big opening, Golden and Sherman are concerned about meeting their operating costs as it seems that no one wants to pay the asking price for the tickets and the haggling at the gate is causing many to turn away.

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Hobophobia Stinks

Dress Code Required

Dress Code Required

SANTA MONICA – Once considered the “home of the homeless,” Santa Monica is now being accused of being “hobophobic.” The swelling ranks of homelessness and cash hungry merchants have put pressure on the typically tolerant city to clean up the streets. Santa Monica police have been spotted rounding up the homeless and landing them in regions outside of the city limits. On the local level, too, the increasingly conservative residents can now be heard making derogatory comments about the hygiene, habits and fashion choices of homeless residents. “It’s not that I personally find them to be a distasteful affront to humanity or anything,” confessed Sissy Cartdale, “but I do expect them to at least dress better. I mean, come on, plaids and stripes aren’t in fashion now…even the Chinese know better than that.”

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