Archive for August, 2010

Two big things happened on TV last night – and I am not talking about Sofia Vergara’s  chest.  The Emmys was “not so much” and the Chabad Telethon was so much.  The ratings are still being analyzed, but it appears that God decided to part the proverbial waters again and give his people some viewers…and some cash last night.  Jimmy Fallon sang a lot of songs, OK, he was fine, but it appears he should have learned “L’Chaim”…a long beard might have helped too.

“I am not surprised,” said Rabbi Levesohn, one of the organizers of the telethon.  “G*d rarely intervenes in our affairs, but when he does, watch out.  I don’t know from Jimmy Fallon…probably a nice enough gentile…but he wasn’t raising money for a new drug treatment center and he didn’t have Larry King.”

Emmy producers are already retooling for next year based on the ratings and it appears that Jon Voight, a Chabad regular, will be hosting next year.  “Let’s just say we won’t be promoting shows like Modern Family and Glee next year,” said one producer.  “The Rabbis want the show to be more wholesome…less Gaga and more Tevye.”


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Take Your Time, Honey

DOWNEY – There are probably few things in life more painful for men than going shopping with the little lady, but one department store seems to have figured out a way to make shopping more enjoyable for men.  Would shopping be more interesting for you  if the trip to the mall included a lap dance?  What if you could spend a few hours trying on strippers while your wife was trying on dresses?  Dorman’s department store opened a strip club, The Dressing Room, within their flagship store three months ago and the store has never been busier.  “My wife dragged me to Dorman’s a couple of weeks ago because she felt we needed some new furniture,” said Bill Parnell.  “I heard some music and guys hooting and went to investigate and I couldn’t believe my eyes.  Now I want to go shopping every weekend.”   Bill Dorman II, the store manager, came up with the idea after attending a bachelor party and observing how happy men get when they are surrounded by strippers.  “I figured that the negative attitude of the guys was hurting sales.  It’s a real win-win-win situation now,” said Dorman.  But are the women bothered by the club?  “Are you kidding,” said one.  “My husband not only lets me buy what I want now, but when we got home from shopping the other night he stuffed a five in my underwear!”

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EAST LOS ANGELES  – A combination of high gas prices and a weak economy are taking their toll on all segments of the population, including gangs.  A recent study showed that with gas selling above three dollars per gallon and, because many gang bangers driving gas guzzling SUV’s, drive-by shootings have hit an all-time low.  Flaco, an East LA gang banger, is angry that his gang has been reduced to “bike-bys” and “walk-bys” and he feels that his gang has now lost much of its prowess. Flaco is also concerned that his use of a bicycle makes him look like some kind of “pinche” paperboy…small children now regularly taunt him.  Various gangs throughout the Southland now have been trying to raise money in surprisingly conventional ways so they can keep rolling.  The Big Top Locos gang held a bake sale to help raise gas money, but were only able to collect $23.50.  “That’s bullshit”, said one gang  member, “I stayed up all night making cookies to make twenty bucks?  It makes you want to kill someone…and I will…once I get my bike chain fixed.”

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