Archive for November, 2009


Lang wins at Christian Adult awards

RESEDA – Some things just seem to go together like baseball and hot dogs, peanut butter and chocolate, and some would say hotties and string bikinis.  And there are those things that should probably never be paired.  Helmut Lang, an Austrian filmmaker, decided last year that he wanted to pair Christianity and pornography and he is now suffering some of the consequences of that decision.  With titles such as The Passions of the Christ, Brotherly Love, Love Thy Neighbor and Oh God, I’m Coming under his belt, Lang figured that it was just a matter of time before Paramount would be tapping him to direct their next feature, but Lang has instead become enemy number one of the Christian right and now faces possible criminal charges.  Lang feels that Christians have been portrayed as being bad at sex, that they only do the missionary position, so he wanted to show the world that being a Christian can be sexy and also incorporate Christian messages in his movies.  But several leading Christian groups apparently don’t want Christians to be portrayed as being sexy and they hardly see Lang as a Jesus-like character.  Pastor John Roberts, the President of the Christian Family Values Coalition, wants Lang to be punished for his transgressions.  Upon hearing this Lang responded, “I guess I won’t be releasing Sermon on the Mounds anytime soon.”


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The B.K. loves me

TOPANGA – There are now 4300 recognized religions in the world and more are being created every year.  Religion is commonly defined as belief concerning the supernatural, sacred, or divine, and the moral codes, practices and institutions associated with such belief.  The Goforit religion was created five years ago by Bill Paisley, a surfer turned pastor, and it is based on the premise that the Supreme Being wants humans to do whatever they feel like doing; God wants us to “go for it.”  Paisley, according to legend, was visited by God during a peyote experience and God told him to spread his message.  “We worry way too much, man,” Reverend Paisley recently told me on a visit to his compound.  ‘The Big Kahuna or B.K. wants us all to take a chill pill and enjoy life.  He told me that the only rule for life is that there aren’t any rules, and then I passed out.”  The practitioners of the Goforit religion, who are known as dudes and dudettes, come from all walks of life and are very free spirited; many at the church don’t wear clothes and copulate openly.  “The B.K. said ‘Screw it all’ and so that’s what I’m doing,” said Richard Marx, a former accountant turned “dude.”   There are many, however, that feel that the religion breeds irresponsibility and that Paisley is a charlatan.  “The B.K. essentially told me that if you don’t go for it then you’re going to hell,” says Paisley.  “I think people better start going for it or the B.K. is going to be totally pissed and come down and do some nasty stuff…like make all the chicks fat or kill the buzz on this righteous high I’m experiencing now.”

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Hot Dog


The Cat's Meow

ALHAMBRA – When Paul Nguyen arrived here as a child from his native Vietnam he dreamed of becoming a veterinarian.  Well, he and his family struggled to make his dream come true, and they succeeded: Dr. Nguyen opened his first clinic five years ago.  Unfortunately, however, Dr. Nguyen soon discovered that there wasn’t much money to be had in the pet doctor business and so he was forced to diversify his business two years ago in order to keep the doors open.  You might feel a little uncomfortable eating at a 99 cent all you can eat Chinese buffet while your Mr. Whiskers is getting his shots, but Dr. Nguyen’s hybrid business – vet clinic slash Vietnamese restaurant, is booming and he’s planning on opening another clinic next month. “Instead of reading old magazines my customers are eating a good lunch and they’re paying me for it,” says the now happy doctor.  And while there have been suspicions that some of Nguyen’s patients who didn’t “make it” are “making it” into the lunch buffet, Dr. Paul denies the charge.  Says one customer, “I’m not sure where he’s getting his meat from, but if it doesn’t bark while I’m eating it and it only costs 99 cents, then I’m not complaining.”

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