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Archive for November, 2008

Al Fresco takes a break from tour

Al Fresco takes a break from tour

DOWNTOWN – It’s the holidays and that means it’s holiday home tour season! Holiday home tours are a great way for the community to come together and enjoy the holiday spirit and residential design together. As an addded bonus, many tours are associated with local charities or community organizations and tour tickets and gift purchases help support those in need. The Center for Urban Modular Design has put together an exciting tour of the homes of the homeless on Los Angeles Street and it’s a major hit. Attendees get a chance to experience some unique habitats while sipping on some warm holiday concoctions prepared by the architect/owners. Since many Angelenos are headed toward homelessness the tour gives one some great ideas on how to make a home out of found objects. One resident built a Gaudi-esque masterpiece using an abandoned Ford Expedition, cardboard, and traffic cones. “Frank Gehry did the tour last week and I saw him taking pictures and taking notes,” said architecture critic Bruno Levi. “These hobos are literally working outside and inside the box and that freedom is allowing them to redefine the American home.”

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Time to Flee

Time to Flee

SIMI VALLEY— After three weeks of searing temperatures and fires, the National Weather Service is forecasting colder weather for California this week, prompting Governor Schwarzenegger and Mayor Villaraigosa to issue an evacuation notice urging Angelenos to pack up and evacuate to warmer climes. 

Temperatures are expected to be two degrees colder than normal.  Hotels in Nevada and Arizona have been bombarded with business since the announcement and most are already booked.  Howard Jackson, the owner of Bob’s Adult Motel in Winslow, Arizona, describes the evacuation situation as chaotic, “I don’t have the staff to handle this number of people.  I can barely get the sheets changed in this place as it is.  I hope people aren’t expecting much.  This is an adult motel, it’s not the Hampton Inn.  Some people are bringing kids with them.  They better bring earplugs too.”

Dr. Shirley Kaharty, with the Los Angeles County Department of Health Services, believes that the evacuation is absolutely necessary and will save millions of lives. “We know that cold weather can kill people, animals, plants, and damage property.  Why risk it?  Going to Arizona and Nevada for the weekend could be fun.  People should think of this as an adventure and stop complaining.  I’m going to Mandalay Bay in Vegas and I intend to have a good time.”

It also appears that the evacuation may become mandatory.  A Schwarzenegger spokesperson said they will not be squeamish about dragging people from their homes.  “When the governor makes a declaration he’s not messing around.  We’ve got plenty of ways to get people to do what we want.”  When asked about the people who have no resources to leave, Schwarzenegger’s spokesperson responded with a shoulder shrug and jumped into a black Yukon and took off.

Most meteorologists are at a loss to explain the drastic change in the weather, but one of them, Dr. Harold Bobkin, has some ideas, “It’s global colding.  Everybody’s been so caught up in global warming that they’ve missed the signs of global colding and now it’s about to hit us in the face like an icy snowball.” 

Marcus Brashear of Simi Valley has decided to follow the emergency evacuation order, but his wife is staying.  “I think this is a good time for him to leave,” she giggled.  “I’ll be okay. We’ve got a new hot tub and I”ve got a new friend to keep me warm.”

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johnholmeshigh28129VAN NUYS – Magnet schools are specialized public schools that draw students who are interested or adept in specific subjects such as science or the arts. The John Holmes Memorial High School in the Van Nuys is a magnet school that gives youngsters interested in a career in the multi-billion dollar adult entertainment industry a “head” start on their careers. The students at Holmes High take a variety of classes to prepare them for various roles in the world of porn including drama, sexual physiology, and body piercing care along with the basics like, well,…you know. The teachers at Holmes High are experienced professionals who are looking to give back and help create the next generation of pornstars. “It’s exciting to see them blossom,” says Harry Peters, a sexual gymnastics instructor. “They come in not even knowing what a Dirty Sanchez is and leave knowing exactly how to do it.” Holmes High graduated its first class this June and several graduates are already starring in films. “I just signed my contract for Butt Blasters #27,” beamed recent grad Cinammon Brandy. “They say if I do a good job I can be in Naughty Nymphos #61.” Holmes High is currently looking for new instructors.

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gaymarriageWEST HOLLYWOOD – Many gay men are dismayed by the humdrum sex life that marriage brings and are now filing for divorce and fighting to strengthen laws that limit marriage to heterosexuals. It seems that many that married before the ban are now learning about the three rings of marriage: the engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.
 
Lawrence Yaeger and Alan Levy got married last year, imagining they’d spend the rest of their years together in domestic bliss. Instead, both say their relationship has soured to the point where they’re filing for one of the county’s first gay divorces. 

After their raucous honeymoon in Barbados, Jaeger and Levy settled into married life. The first two months went just fine, but things went south quickly.
 
“Just because we’re ‘same sex’ technically doesn’t mean it has to be the ‘same old sex’ all the time! Alan is so literal — it’s like he became boring overnight. Maybe it’s not Alan. Maybe it’s the institution of marriage. I don’t know. It’s all so confusing. See?! It’s just awful. I want out.”

Meanwhile, Christians are delighted by the newfound plight of homosexuals: “God is giving them a little taste of their own medicine. Let’s see how they like it.”
 
But Levy’s partner, Yaeger, counters that it came down to domestic issues.  “I told him that since we were married, we had to do things like stick to a budget.  He didn’t like that,” says Yaeger, an accountant.  “My mom was right about him — he was only in it for the money.”

While Yaeger is still upset about the breakup, he believes he’ll consider marriage again.  “But next time,” says Yaeger, “I’ll spend more time putting my fist down and less time putting it in.”

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