Archive for August, 2008

LOS ANGELES, Ca. – The Marvin Gottstein Center for Premature Ejaculation opened this week and Gottstein is hardly thrilled about it; in fact, he is now suing to get his money back.

“I give them money and they spend it on schtupping?” cried the Yiddish accented Gottstein at the gala opening. “I endured the death camps and worked my tuchus off for this?!”

The Gottstein Center is run by urologist Dr. Barry Finkel who had lobbied the hospital for years to get the facility. “We finally have a place that reflects society’s concern for this dreaded medical condition,” said Finkel. “Now men can come to a place for help with their heads held high, and get the help they so desperately need.” Recent studies have shown that premature ejaculation is indeed a problem for some men, but Gottstein isn’t buying it as a medical condition and clearly doesn’t want his name associated with the malady.

The Center is a phallic-shaped building with a rather conspicuous fountain on the roof that shoots water thirty seconds after the hour, every hour – Finkel claims that the post-mature firing is inspirational to patients. The interior of the building is blanketed with images of Rosie O’Donnell and Ellen Degeneres to help keep the old jets cooled. Patients spend most of the day watching porn and masturbating and such activities are easily heard as one walks through the clinic.

Dr. Finkel is committed to raising the profile of premature ejaculation and is leading the first annual Premature Ejaculation Walk this weekend in Hollywood. “Two thousand people have signed up already,” said the elated Finkel. “And Woody Allen is going to speak about his battle to control his premature ejaculation. It’s all like a dream come true for me. I predict that within a few years premature ejaculation will become more important than AIDS.” Walk participants will get a t-shirt that reads, “I Can’t Hold It, But You Can Hold Me.”  Participants will have to be careful not to jump the starting gun.

Gottstein’s complaint will be heard by the hospital board next month.


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Shake and Pour

Shake and Pour

VAN NUYS, Ca – Summer is here and that means it’s time for the family summer vacation. High gas prices and persistent terrorism fears, however, have many seeking alternative ways to take a vacation this year.  Davis Davis, a former hotel manager, has developed a new vacation concept that he believes provides an excellent solution for vexed vacationers. His solution?  Stay at home.  Davis’ company, Home Suite Home, comes to your home and turns it into a hotel. When you arrive at your hotel (your transformed home) a bellhop takes your bags to your room; an attendant parks your car; and they even supply a concierge with halitosis to help you plan your day’s activities.

“My wife wanted to go to Hawaii, but we couldn’t afford it,” said Marcus Burnham, a Van Nuys resident. “They brought Hawaii to us: they spread sand on our patio; brought in some palm trees; and did a fantastic luau in our garage on our last night. It felt just like Hawaii. Well, Hawaii with noisy neighbors and a little smog.”

Another customer, Markel Owen, had a similar positive experience. “They did an Acapulco vacation for us. I got the runs on our second day and our bartender, Raoul, was very generous with his pours,” said Owen. His wife, Nancy, concurred. “He was generous all right. He was the best bartender I ever had…and all I asked for was ‘two fingers plain’..”

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