Peckers

Try my hot dog

WEST HOLLYWOOD – The restaurant enterprise Hooters is a big success. There are now 346 Hooters restaurants in several countries and there are more on the way. Al Jensen, a former Denny’s manager, figured there was room for another anatomy themed restaurant – Hooters is more about breasts than it is about owls – and so last year he took out a loan and opened Peckers. The restaurant, which uses a cute woodpecker logo, serves over fifty varieties of hot dogs in various shapes and sizes. The waiters at Peckers wear anatomy revealing tight shorts and their conversations with customers often include innuendo laced questions like: Do you like your hot dog in a bun? Do you want mayonnaise smothered on your hot dog? What size hot dog do you want?

But Jensen insists that it’s all on the up and up; it’s about the food. “Sure, we probably have some people who come in to look at the guys,” says the rotund Jensen,”but if the hot dogs sucked I’d be out of business.” And if you have the necessary equipment and you need a job, you’d be wise to head on down to Peckers because Jensen is looking for a few good men to help him open his second restaurant this fall. “Just remember”, added Jensen, “no stuffing socks down there. We’re an all natural restaurant.”

Menorah Mountain

Allen set to entertain at Menorah Mountain

SANTA CLARITA – Menorah Mountain, a Jewish-themed amusement park, opened this past weekend to large crowds of Southern California Jews.  The park is the brainchild of two L.A. area rabbis, Meyer Golden and Seymour Sherman, who were frustrated by the entertainment offerings for Hassidic families.  Some of the more tranquil rides like the Whirling Star of David (akin to Disney’s Mad Hatter spinning tea cups) as well as the Soviet Jewry-Go-Round are great fun for the kiddies.  The Guilt Trip and The Jewish Mother are old school wooden roller coasters that have riders screaming their lungs out and begging to get off.  The food offerings include Hebrew National hot dogs, gefilte fish on a shtick, and herring tacos – like Mexican fish tacos served with a dollop of horseradish.  The most popular game at the park is the Irv Rubin Shooting Gallery, where one can vent their frustrations at toy Nazi soldiers, white supremacists, Middle East terrorists and many others icons of intolerance who have given the Jews a hard time over the years.  Despite the big opening, Golden and Sherman are concerned about meeting their operating costs as it seems that no one wants to pay the asking price for the tickets and the haggling at the gate is causing many to turn away.

From Hobophobia to Hobosexuality

Have you hugged a hobo today?

DOWNTOWN – They smell. They’re poor. They’re hot??! Hobos are now officially hip and many celebrities are coming out in support of them as the homeless are facing increased hobophobic attacks in Santa Monica and other Westside enclaves as reported below.

“I’ve been dating a hobo, I call him Mr. Bojangles, for a few months and he’s the bomb,” said teen High School Musical 3 heart-throb, Brandy Cole. “He made me a necklace using cigarette butts and gum and now all of my friends want one…and they want him.”

LA’s gay community is also going hobo. Several hobosexual clubs - not to be confused with obamasexual – have opened in WeHo and many turned out for a recent rally in support of new proposed laws against hobophobia.  “We understand hate and bigotry,” said one activist. “Hobos, even though they often smell like a landfill, are humans too. They need hugs, not hate….and perhaps a good scrub down.”

Hobophobia Stinks

Dress Code Required

SANTA MONICA – Once considered the “home of the homeless,” Santa Monica is now being accused of being “hobophobic.” The swelling ranks of homelessness and cash hungry merchants have put pressure on the typically tolerant city to clean up the streets. Santa Monica police have been spotted rounding up the homeless and landing them in regions outside of the city limits. On the local level, too, the increasingly conservative residents can now be heard making derogatory comments about the hygiene, habits and fashion choices of homeless residents. “It’s not that I personally find them to be a distasteful affront to humanity or anything,” confessed Sissy Cartdale, “but I do expect them to at least dress better. I mean, come on, plaids and stripes aren’t in fashion now…even the Chinese know better than that.”

Premature Ejaculation Center Opens Early

LOS ANGELES, Ca. - The Marvin Gottstein Center for Premature Ejaculation opened this week and Gottstein is hardly thrilled about it; in fact, he is now suing to get his money back.

“I give them money and they spend it on schtupping?” cried the Yiddish accented Gottstein at the gala opening. “I endured the death camps and worked my tuchus off for this?!”

The Gottstein Center is run by urologist Dr. Barry Finkel who had lobbied the hospital for years to get the facility. “We finally have a place that reflects society’s concern for this dreaded medical condition,” said Finkel. “Now men can come to a place for help with their heads held high, and get the help they so desperately need.” Recent studies have shown that premature ejaculation is indeed a problem for some men, but Gottstein isn’t buying it as a medical condition and clearly doesn’t want his name associated with the malady.

The Center is a phallic-shaped building with a rather conspicuous fountain on the roof that shoots water thirty seconds after the hour, every hour – Finkel claims that the post-mature firing is inspirational to patients. The interior of the building is blanketed with images of Rosie O’Donnell and Ellen Degeneres to help keep the old jets cooled. Patients spend most of the day watching porn and masturbating and such activities are easily heard as one walks through the clinic.

Dr. Finkel is committed to raising the profile of premature ejaculation and is leading the first annual Premature Ejaculation Walk this weekend in Hollywood. “Two thousand people have signed up already,” said the elated Finkel. “And Woody Allen is going to speak about his battle to control his premature ejaculation. It’s all like a dream come true for me. I predict that within a few years premature ejaculation will become more important than AIDS.” Walk participants will get a t-shirt that reads, “I Can’t Hold It, But You Can Hold Me.”  Participants will have to be careful not to jump the starting gun.

Gottstein’s complaint will be heard by the hospital board next month.

Staycations

Shake and Pour

VAN NUYS, Ca – Summer is here and that means it’s time for the family summer vacation. High gas prices and persistent terrorism fears, however, have many seeking alternative ways to take a vacation this year.  Davis Davis, a former hotel manager, has developed a new vacation concept that he believes provides an excellent solution for vexed vacationers. His solution?  Stay at home.  Davis’ company, Home Suite Home, comes to your home and turns it into a hotel. When you arrive at your hotel (your transformed home) a bellhop takes your bags to your room; an attendant parks your car; and they even supply a concierge with halitosis to help you plan your day’s activities.

“My wife wanted to go to Hawaii, but we couldn’t afford it,” said Marcus Burnham, a Van Nuys resident. “They brought Hawaii to us: they spread sand on our patio; brought in some palm trees; and did a fantastic luau in our garage on our last night. It felt just like Hawaii. Well, Hawaii with noisy neighbors and a little smog.”

Another customer, Markel Owen, had a similar positive experience. “They did an Acapulco vacation for us. I got the runs on our second day and our bartender, Raoul, was very generous with his pours,” said Owen. His wife, Nancy, concurred. “He was generous all right. He was the best bartender I ever had…and all I asked for was ‘two fingers plain’..”

Large Breasted Man Sues for Right to Strip

GARDENA, Calif. — When Bob McPherson saw an ad for a topless dancer job on Craigslist, the unemployed and large-breasted McPherson went and applied for it. But when the club, The Hungry Tiger, told him that they were only hiring women (without even seeing how well he danced), he decided to sue the club for discrimination.  Well, McPherson won his case and he is now shaking his stuff every night. “I was wrong to deny him employment,” says Bobby Rales, the club owner. “After we retrofitted the poles to accommodate his weight, things have been going surprisingly well. He really is a good dancer.” McPherson is now taking in five hundred a night and he’s getting offers to star in man-boob movies.  One patron concludes, “He’s got a nice rack and as long as you don’t look at his face or down south and you’ve had a lot to drink then it’s just like watching a woman. Just make sure though you don’t try stuffing a one down his g-string…that ruins it.”

 

You’ve Got Some Schizzy

NORTHRIDGE, California — Do you know where your bazizzy is?

Dr. Jerome Marks was fired from Northridge Hospital last month because administrators and other doctors were not pleased with the way he was communicating with patients; he is now counter-suing for wrongful termination.

Apparently, freedom of speech is something that we value, but only conditionally.

Marks is a proctologist who performs rap and hip-hop music when he’s not in the O.R.  Last year he began do raps for his patients to help explain their conditions and treatments. Problems arose, however, when one of the patients, 83-year-old Darma Feingold, a major hospital donor, asked a nurse what Dr. Marks meant when he told her, “You’ve got some shizzy in your hizzy.”

The nurse, an ex-lover of Marks’ lover (and his former backup singer), encouraged Feingold to file a formal complaint and reported the incident to hospital officials, after which they decided to terminate Marks’ employment.

“Patients don’t understand medical jargon, but people really get rap,” says Marks. “If I tell you that you have a squamous carcinoma in your rectum, you have no idea what I’m talking about. But if I tell you that there’s a ‘dawizzy in your bazizzy’ then you know what’s up with that.”

Marks has put together a proctology-themed rap album (“It’s My Duty to Heal Your Booty”) and will be touring in support of it while waiting for his case to go to court.

Now Use Bitch-Slap In A Sentence

California faces a budget deficit of astronomical proportions this year and the legislature (D) and Gov. Schwarzenegger (R) have been struggling with ways to close the chasm. Schools and prisons consume most of the states dollars so cutting teachers and releasing prisoners early are two things that both parties agree must happen. But many Californians worry about the fate of the state if prisoners are allowed to hit the streets early and our schools are shorted teachers.

Assemblyman Don Bosco (I), however, has come up with a plan that will not only save our schools, but will also give freed prisoners something to do with their time: Bosco wants to send our most violent and corrupt citizens back to school. Bosco’s R.R.R. program (Raping, Rioting, and Arithmetic) will train prisoners to become teachers.

“Most of those being released have been rehabilitated and are eager to give back to society,” says Bosco. “We have to cut teachers, but we shouldn’t cut basically decent convicts out of a way back to a normal life.”

Many parent and teacher groups are naturally concerned about having convicts in control of the classroom, but one education expert thinks that the whole thing makes perfect sense. “Many kids have behavior issues and have little respect for traditional teachers,” says Dr. Betsy Rosman. “If you have an ex-con telling a kid to sit his butt down and shut up then he’s going to listen. Schools are like prisons anyway so this won’t be much of a transition.”

The governor and the legislature will be reviewing the plan in the weeks ahead and a vote will be taken before the May revise. In the meantime, it might not be a bad idea to teach your child how to handle a corn dog stick during a riot.

Birdy, Birdy in the Sky

PASADENA, Ca. – Birds like Joe Mayberry, but he doesn’t necessarily like them. Well, it is actually difficult to say for sure that they like him, but if going to the bathroom on a human is a sign of affection in the bird world then they definitely like Joe. For the past year, every time Joe goes outside he is immediately swarmed by birds and they do their business all over him. It’s a pretty messy situation.

Mayberry initially thought the whole thing was some kind of a fluke – perhaps some new flock of birds had moved into his neighborhood or the birds were ill– but when it happened time and time again no matter where he was at, Joe realized he or the birds had some kind of a problem. “This has ruined my life,” said Mayberry. “I’ve lost my girlfriend, my job, and now I am agoraphobic. It’s like having a terminal illness.”

Joe contacted L.A. Animal Control about the issue a few months ago, and after they stopped laughing, they told him that there was nothing they could do about it. “One of them told me to wear something that was easy to rinse off and they started giggling and hung up,” said the distraught Mayberry.

Scientists at UCLA have taken some interest Joe’s problem, but they are at a loss to explain the oddity. “We tried several things, including having him dress up as a bird, but nothing has worked thus far,” said Dr. Greg Mendel, a professor of zoology. “I came up with this idea to cover him with cow crap, but he didn’t want to do it. And now I’m stuck with a pile of manure in my office.”

They say, however, that every cloud has a silver lining, and every bird crap covered man is…well,…a bird crap covered man. But Joe has managed to make some lemonade out of his lemony predicament: he is now being hired to stand in parks and be shat on. “They use me when they are cleaning statues. They want to clean up Mt. Rushmore and they offered me some good money, so it looks like I’m going to be spending my summer in South Dakota.”