RESEDA – Some things just seem to go together like baseball and hot dogs, peanut butter and chocolate, and some would say hotties and string bikinis. And there are those things that should probably never be paired. Helmut Lang, an Austrian filmmaker, decided last year that he wanted to pair Christianity and pornography and he is now suffering some of the consequences of that decision. With titles such as The Passions of the Christ, Brotherly Love, Love Thy Neighbor and Oh God, I’m Coming under his belt, Lang figured that it was just a matter of time before Paramount would be tapping him to direct their next feature, but Lang has instead become enemy number one of the Christian right and now faces possible criminal charges. Lang feels that Christians have been portrayed as being bad at sex, that they only do the missionary position, so he wanted to show the world that being a Christian can be sexy and also incorporate Christian messages in his movies. But several leading Christian groups apparently don’t want Christians to be portrayed as being sexy and they hardly see Lang as a Jesus-like character. Pastor John Roberts, the President of the Christian Family Values Coalition, wants Lang to be punished for his transgressions. Upon hearing this Lang responded, “I guess I won’t be releasing Sermon on the Mounds anytime soon.”
TOPANGA - There are now 4300 recognized religions in the world and more are being created every year. Religion is commonly defined as belief concerning the supernatural, sacred, or divine, and the moral codes, practices and institutions associated with such belief. The Goforit religion was created five years ago by Bill Paisley, a surfer turned pastor, and it is based on the premise that the Supreme Being wants humans to do whatever they feel like doing; God wants us to “go for it.” Paisley, according to legend, was visited by God during a peyote experience and God told him to spread his message. “We worry way too much, man,” Reverend Paisley recently told me on a visit to his compound. ‘The Big Kahuna or B.K. wants us all to take a chill pill and enjoy life. He told me that the only rule for life is that there aren’t any rules, and then I passed out.” The practitioners of the Goforit religion, who are known as dudes and dudettes, come from all walks of life and are very free spirited; many at the church don’t wear clothes and copulate openly. “The B.K. said ‘Screw it all’ and so that’s what I’m doing,” said Richard Marx, a former accountant turned “dude.” There are many, however, that feel that the religion breeds irresponsibility and that Paisley is a charlatan. “The B.K. essentially told me that if you don’t go for it then you’re going to hell,” says Paisley. “I think people better start going for it or the B.K. is going to be totally pissed and come down and do some nasty stuff…like make all the chicks fat or kill the buzz on this righteous high I’m experiencing now.”
ALHAMBRA – When Paul Nguyen arrived here as a child from his native Vietnam he dreamed of becoming a veterinarian. Well, he and his family struggled to make his dream come true, and they succeeded: Dr. Nguyen opened his first clinic five years ago. Unfortunately, however, Dr. Nguyen soon discovered that there wasn’t much money to be had in the pet doctor business and so he was forced to diversify his business two years ago in order to keep the doors open. You might feel a little uncomfortable eating at a 99 cent all you can eat Chinese buffet while your Mr. Whiskers is getting his shots, but Dr. Nguyen’s hybrid business – vet clinic slash Vietnamese restaurant, is booming and he’s planning on opening another clinic next month. “Instead of reading old magazines my customers are eating a good lunch and they’re paying me for it,” says the now happy doctor. And while there have been suspicions that some of Nguyen’s patients who didn’t “make it” are “making it” into the lunch buffet, Dr. Paul denies the charge. Says one customer, “I’m not sure where he’s getting his meat from, but if it doesn’t bark while I’m eating it and it only costs 99 cents, then I’m not complaining.”
LONG BEACH, Calif. — What California commuter hasn’t ever had the urge to just walk away from traffic entirely? Well, George Hart found a way to kayak away from it all.
To be sure, there are plenty of jokes about trashy conditions and skanky water quality in the notorious SoCal landmark that is the Los Angeles River, but such folklore didn’t stop the resourceful Hart from making an impromptu purchase of a kayak and sliding into the murky waters a few months ago.
“I saw the ‘Kayak For Sale’ sign, then I saw a sign that said “Los Angeles River,” and just then the song “Rollin’ on the River” came over the radio! I didn’t even know there was any water in the damn river — it was an act of faith. I never even looked back at my car. I shelled out fifty bucks on the spot and dragged that kayak somehow down to actual water, put the yellow beast in, and it’s been smooth paddling ever since.”
And how has the commute been so far? Hart admits that he’s pretty wet and dirty by the time he gets to work in downtown Long Beach, but manages to sneak into work before his colleagues and make use of a company shower. George also claims that his unconventional commute has helped him lose 100 pounds – not too many L.A. highway commuters can claim that.
What’s the strangest thing he has seen on the Los Angeles River? “Large trees, exotic birds, schools of fish, friendly people — I was completely unprepared for those things.”
What’s the oddest thing that ever happened? “I almost got tagged once by a gang, but they were so blown away by me, this strange guy floating down the river, that they dropped their cans and they now salute me when I pass their way and call me the Loco Rio Hombre.”
LOS ANGELES, CA – Casual Fridays- the option to dress casually at work on Fridays – has become a fairly common business practice, but several U.S. companies are rethinking “Casual Fridays.” The L.A. based Michael Alex Sportswear company ended the practice because some employees had simply become too casual. Alex Michael, the company’s President, decided two years ago to drop his requirement for “professional attire” on Fridays but he made the decision to restore it recently based on the actions of several employees. Apparently some in shipping had been coming to work in their underwear and the bookkeeper wore her stained bathrobe to work two weeks ago. One employee, Blanca Lopez, asked for the change when she discovered that her cubicle mate, Irving Schwartz, had stopped wiping his ass on Fridays. The smell got so bad she could no longer do her work. Some of the other casual Friday behavior included: not brushing teeth, not using tampons, not flushing the toilet, and just plain not working.
EAST L.A. — For most Angelenos, the holiday season is a time to get together with friends and family, and enjoy a little holiday cheer. For Jose Ramirez (aka Chico Hombre), the holiday season has been a time to deal with painful memories of Christmas’ past. Hombre grew up in the rough and tumble streets of East L.A. and his father was an alcoholic and his Uncle “Frosty” was a notorious cocaine dealer. This holiday season, however, promises to be a better time for dear Chico. Several years ago, acting on the advice of his therapist, he started writing songs to help him deal with his pain and his songs are now major hits on several Spanglish radio stations. “I think my songs reflect the lives of many Angelenos. Everyone I grew up with had at least a few f*%ed up people in their family,” said Hombre during a recent radio interview. “My aunt was a puta, my cousin is a puto, and my dog got AIDS from a dirty needle he stepped on in the alley behind our house. It’s a pretty messed up world, but singing about it makes it less painful.” So if you’re looking to lighten your pain burden during this holiday season, check out Chico’s songs, “Frosty the Blowman” and “Police Navidad”, on his My Space site: www.myspace.com/chicohombre
DOWNTOWN – It’s the holidays and that means it’s holiday home tour season! Holiday home tours are a great way for the community to come together and enjoy the holiday spirit and residential design together. As an addded bonus, many tours are associated with local charities or community organizations and tour tickets and gift purchases help support those in need. The Center for Urban Modular Design has put together an exciting tour of the homes of the homeless on Los Angeles Street and it’s a major hit. Attendees get a chance to experience some unique habitats while sipping on some warm holiday concoctions prepared by the architect/owners. Since many Angelenos are headed toward homelessness the tour gives one some great ideas on how to make a home out of found objects. One resident built a Gaudi-esque masterpiece using an abandoned Ford Expedition, cardboard, and traffic cones. “Frank Gehry did the tour last week and I saw him taking pictures and taking notes,” said architecture critic Bruno Levi. “These hobos are literally working outside and inside the box and that freedom is allowing them to redefine the American home.”
SIMI VALLEY— After three weeks of searing temperatures and fires, the National Weather Service is forecasting colder weather for California this week, prompting Governor Schwarzenegger and Mayor Villaraigosa to issue an evacuation notice urging Angelenos to pack up and evacuate to warmer climes.
Temperatures are expected to be two degrees colder than normal. Hotels in Nevada and Arizona have been bombarded with business since the announcement and most are already booked. Howard Jackson, the owner of Bob’s Adult Motel in Winslow, Arizona, describes the evacuation situation as chaotic, “I don’t have the staff to handle this number of people. I can barely get the sheets changed in this place as it is. I hope people aren’t expecting much. This is an adult motel, it’s not the Hampton Inn. Some people are bringing kids with them. They better bring earplugs too.”
Dr. Shirley Kaharty, with the Los Angeles County Department of Health Services, believes that the evacuation is absolutely necessary and will save millions of lives. “We know that cold weather can kill people, animals, plants, and damage property. Why risk it? Going to Arizona and Nevada for the weekend could be fun. People should think of this as an adventure and stop complaining. I’m going to Mandalay Bay in Vegas and I intend to have a good time.”
It also appears that the evacuation may become mandatory. A Schwarzenegger spokesperson said they will not be squeamish about dragging people from their homes. “When the governor makes a declaration he’s not messing around. We’ve got plenty of ways to get people to do what we want.” When asked about the people who have no resources to leave, Schwarzenegger’s spokesperson responded with a shoulder shrug and jumped into a black Yukon and took off.
Most meteorologists are at a loss to explain the drastic change in the weather, but one of them, Dr. Harold Bobkin, has some ideas, “It’s global colding. Everybody’s been so caught up in global warming that they’ve missed the signs of global colding and now it’s about to hit us in the face like an icy snowball.”
Marcus Brashear of Simi Valley has decided to follow the emergency evacuation order, but his wife is staying. “I think this is a good time for him to leave,” she giggled. “I’ll be okay. We’ve got a new hot tub and I”ve got a new friend to keep me warm.”
VAN NUYS – Magnet schools are specialized public schools that draw students who are interested or adept in specific subjects such as science or the arts. The John Holmes Memorial High School in the Van Nuys is a magnet school that gives youngsters interested in a career in the multi-billion dollar adult entertainment industry a “head” start on their careers. The students at Holmes High take a variety of classes to prepare them for various roles in the world of porn including drama, sexual physiology, and body piercing care along with the basics like, well,…you know. The teachers at Holmes High are experienced professionals who are looking to give back and help create the next generation of pornstars. “It’s exciting to see them blossom,” says Harry Peters, a sexual gymnastics instructor. “They come in not even knowing what a Dirty Sanchez is and leave knowing exactly how to do it.” Holmes High graduated its first class this June and several graduates are already starring in films. “I just signed my contract for Butt Blasters #27,” beamed recent grad Cinammon Brandy. “They say if I do a good job I can be in Naughty Nymphos #61.” Holmes High is currently looking for new instructors.
WEST HOLLYWOOD – Many gay men are dismayed by the humdrum sex life that marriage brings and are now filing for divorce and fighting to strengthen laws that limit marriage to heterosexuals. It seems that many that married before the ban are now learning about the three rings of marriage: the engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.
Lawrence Yaeger and Alan Levy got married last year, imagining they’d spend the rest of their years together in domestic bliss. Instead, both say their relationship has soured to the point where they’re filing for one of the county’s first gay divorces.
After their raucous honeymoon in Barbados, Jaeger and Levy settled into married life. The first two months went just fine, but things went south quickly.
“Just because we’re ’same sex’ technically doesn’t mean it has to be the ’same old sex’ all the time! Alan is so literal — it’s like he became boring overnight. Maybe it’s not Alan. Maybe it’s the institution of marriage. I don’t know. It’s all so confusing. See?! It’s just awful. I want out.”
Meanwhile, Christians are delighted by the newfound plight of homosexuals: “God is giving them a little taste of their own medicine. Let’s see how they like it.”
But Levy’s partner, Yaeger, counters that it came down to domestic issues. “I told him that since we were married, we had to do things like stick to a budget. He didn’t like that,” says Yaeger, an accountant. “My mom was right about him — he was only in it for the money.”
While Yaeger is still upset about the breakup, he believes he’ll consider marriage again. “But next time,” says Yaeger, “I’ll spend more time putting my fist down and less time putting it in.”
