Milking a Good Idea

NORWALK – It’s said that necessity is the mother of invention and one Norwalk man’s use of a truly motherly invention has not only rescued him from bankruptcy it is now providing him with a solid income and an exciting future.  When Ross Marker lost his job as a manager at a local music store last year, his life quickly became a nightmare.  His wife, Holly, was eight months pregnant and the bank was moving in on their condo.  Then one day, while watching his ample Holly breastfeed their newborn son, Marker had a novel idea: Why not sell human milk products?  Marker figured there was a primal appeal about it and that with the right marketing people might just swallow it.  And boy, have they ever.  Marker sold his first bottle of Holly’s Finest six months ago and it’s been a steady flow of business ever since.  Last month, with the addition of a dozen other women employees, his Hooterville Farms sold five hundred bottles of Mother’s Milk, and Marker is now in talks with Whole Food Markets about carrying his complete line.  His latest offerings include: Chiniqua’s Aged Cheddar, Brenda’s Buttery Spread, and Maria’s Mamtastic Mozarella.

Stripper Pole Business Bottoms Out

COVINA – Bob Fortune used to install at least two stripper poles per day in people’s bedrooms and garages a few years ago, but now, like other victims of these hard times, he’s been stripped to the bone.  Fortune, a general contractor turned pole maven, announced last week that he is closing his business and liquidating all his poles.  Obama’s stimulus package, while well intentioned, apparently did not trickle down to the stripper pole business in enough time to save Fortune.  “All these banks and car companies got bailout money, but I guess strippers, or bored housewives, aren’t important to him.  And he doesn’t know why he lost the House to the republicans?,” cried Fortune at a recent Tea Party rally.  “America has a proud stripping tradition, we invented the pole, and he is giving the industry away to the Chinese.”

There was a bit of a boom - more of a va-va-voom – in the domestic stripper pole business between 2002 and 2007, but it is unclear if the decline is the result of discretionary income shortages or simply a loss of interest in the hobby.  Mary Jane Waters had a pole installed in her bedroom by Fortune in 2006 and while she initially used it a lot she now rarely uses it - she had a baby in 2007.  “My ex bought it for me, or him, as a birthday present and I really got into it,” said the buxom Waters.  “But then he left me for a real stripper, and I had the baby, and now I am working as a stripper and pole dancing is the last thing I want to do when I get home.”

Fortune is letting his poles go for fifty bucks – he paid one hundred – and he is throwing in a large bottle of pole polish for free.  “I have some interest from overseas from a stripper school in Slovakia that has a contract with the Spearmint Rhino, but I would prefer to sell them to Americans.  My friend’s daughter is interested in stripping and I told him there is no place like home to start.”

Give Me the Yom Kippur Cut

DOWNEY – Bob Rafferty wanted to show his girlfriend, Naomi Schwartz, that he respected her religion, Judaism, and so he went out did something really special for her.  Rafferty, a Catholic, was told by a workmate, that he thought was Jewish, that Yom Kippur is the day you get circumcised and so that is what he did. 

“Jewish holidays are often quite confusing for both Jews and Gentiles,” said Rabbi Johnson of the South Downey Rabbinical Council.  “We had a guy fast during Hannukah two years ago and he almost died.  We probably need to do some more outreach…or maybe write some more things in English…even I get confused sometimes with all this Hebrew. ”

While Rafferty hoped that his new look would be a hit with Naomi, turns out his fleshy sacrifice did not go over so well.   “It looks weird now,” bemoaned the ever fickle Schwartz.  “We used to play hide and seek with it…now it’s out all the time…it’s kind of boring.”

Rafferty, wanting to please his Naomi yet again, now wants to get re-uncircumcised, but that’s not going to be easy: the Mohel who did the deed already threw the flesh out.  “I am trying to find it, but I did five adult bris services on Friday…they kind of all look the same…and I also cleaned a chicken.”

Screenwriter Threatens to Burn The Koran

Burn notice

EAST HOLLYWOOD – Alan Levine has been trying for years to make it as a screenwriter in Hollywood. He has written several scripts and had a few meetings, but really has nothing to show for his efforts. Alan Levine is destitute; he is at the breaking point.

Alan wants one of his scripts, The Koran, a love story involving an Iraqi woman and a US marine, to get some action and so he is now threatening to burn it this Friday if he doesn’t get a return call from the agent, Richard Glick, he sent it to a few months ago. “I consider this script to be a sacred work, but I will burn it if he or his assistant doesn’t get back to me by Friday. It is a great story and has some great action scenes. All I want is a call back,” cried the agitated Levine.

Fearing an international uproar and possible attacks on US soldiers, Secretary of State Clinton and others have now intervened and have placed calls to Glick – he is not returning their calls either – and to Levine to get him to stop. “He has to understand that many might construe his burning of The Koran to be a hostile act. It, the script, probably is burn worthy, but it would probably be best for all for it to just sit around and collect dust…like his other scripts,” said Stan Burwell of the State Department.

Levine, poorly citing freedom of speech and expression rights, appears to have no intention of backing down. The State Department is asking those who know Glick to pressure him to return Levine’s calls…and their calls.

Premature Ejaculation Center Opens Early

Marvin Gottstein wanted to do something to help people who were ill so he gave 100 million dollars to Cedars to help them build a new hospital wing. Gottstein figured that his money would be used to help cure cancer or heart disease, but it wasn’t. The Marvin Gottstein Center for Premature Ejaculation opened this week and Gottstein is hardly thrilled about it; in fact, he is actually now suing to get his money back. “What is this? I give them money and they spend it on schtupping?” cried the Yiddish accented Gottstein at the gala opening. “I endured the death camps and worked my tukkus off for this?”

The Gottstein Center is run by urologist Dr. Barry Finkel who had lobbied the hospital for years to get the center. “We finally have a place that reflects society’s concern for this dreaded medical condition,” said Finkel. “Now men can come to a place for help with their heads held high, so to speak, and get the help they so desperately need.” Recent studies have shown that premature ejaculation is indeed a problem for some men, but Gottstein isn’t buying it as a medical condition and clearly doesn’t want his name associated with the malady.

The Center is a four story high phallic shaped building with a rather conspicuous fountain on the roof that shoots water thirty seconds after the hour every hour – Finkel claims that the post-mature firing inspires patients. The interior of the building is blanketed with images of Rosie O’Donnell and Ellen Degeneres.

Chabad Telethon Schools Emmys

Two big things happened on TV last night – and I am not talking about Sofia Vergara’s  chest.  The Emmys was “not so much” and the Chabad Telethon was so much.  The ratings are still being analyzed, but it appears that God decided to part the proverbial waters again and give his people some viewers…and some cash last night.  Jimmy Fallon sang a lot of songs, OK, he was fine, but it appears he should have learned “L’Chaim”…a long beard might have helped too.

“I am not surprised,” said Rabbi Levesohn, one of the organizers of the telethon.  ”G*d rarely intervenes in our affairs, but when he does, watch out.  I don’t know from Jimmy Fallon…probably a nice enough gentile…but he wasn’t raising money for a new drug treatment center and he didn’t have Larry King.”

Emmy producers are already retooling for next year based on the ratings and it appears that Jon Voight, a Chabad regular, will be hosting next year.  ”Let’s just say we won’t be promoting shows like Modern Family and Glee next year,” said one producer.  ”The Rabbis want the show to be more wholesome…less Gaga and more Tevye.”

Take Your Time, Honey

DOWNEY – There are probably few things in life more painful for men than going shopping with the little lady, but one department store seems to have figured out a way to make shopping more enjoyable for men.  Would shopping be more interesting for you  if the trip to the mall included a lap dance?  What if you could spend a few hours trying on strippers while your wife was trying on dresses?  Dorman’s department store opened a strip club, The Dressing Room, within their flagship store three months ago and the store has never been busier.  “My wife dragged me to Dorman’s a couple of weeks ago because she felt we needed some new furniture,” said Bill Parnell.  “I heard some music and guys hooting and went to investigate and I couldn’t believe my eyes.  Now I want to go shopping every weekend.”   Bill Dorman II, the store manager, came up with the idea after attending a bachelor party and observing how happy men get when they are surrounded by strippers.  “I figured that the negative attitude of the guys was hurting sales.  It’s a real win-win-win situation now,” said Dorman.  But are the women bothered by the club?  “Are you kidding,” said one.  “My husband not only lets me buy what I want now, but when we got home from shopping the other night he stuffed a five in my underwear!”

Slowrider

EAST LOS ANGELES  - A combination of high gas prices and a weak economy are taking their toll on all segments of the population, including gangs.  A recent study showed that with gas selling above three dollars per gallon and, because many gang bangers driving gas guzzling SUV’s, drive-by shootings have hit an all-time low.  Flaco, an East LA gang banger, is angry that his gang has been reduced to “bike-bys” and “walk-bys” and he feels that his gang has now lost much of its prowess. Flaco is also concerned that his use of a bicycle makes him look like some kind of “pinche” paperboy…small children now regularly taunt him.  Various gangs throughout the Southland now have been trying to raise money in surprisingly conventional ways so they can keep rolling.  The Big Top Locos gang held a bake sale to help raise gas money, but were only able to collect $23.50.  “That’s bullshit”, said one gang  member, “I stayed up all night making cookies to make twenty bucks?  It makes you want to kill someone…and I will…once I get my bike chain fixed.”

Pulling the Plug on Fluffy

BEVERLY HILLS – Fluffy, a three year old Pomeranian pooch with a chocolate brown eyes and a congenital heart condition, has been on life support at the Green Hills Animal Hospital for several months, but people are questioning how much longer Fluffy’s life should be artificially supported.  Fluffy’s half owner, Jesus Santana, has asked for the plug to be pulled because he claims that’s what Fluffy’s wishes were prior to her loss of consciousness.  Fluffy’s other half owner and Santana’s ex-wife, Maria Soldana, feels that Santana is just being cheap and she has enlisted PETA in the fight for Fluffy.  The real plot thickener here though is Santana himself.  He is the host of the hit T.V. show Speak to Me, a program that features Santana’s ability to speak to animals.  Fluffy has apparently told Santana that the vet is just keeping her alive so he can run up the hospital bill.  Santana’s lawyers filed suit to have the care terminated and are seeking monetary damages for mental anguish.

Hard Times for Christian Porn Director

Lang wins at Christian Adult awards

RESEDA – Some things just seem to go together like baseball and hot dogs, peanut butter and chocolate, and some would say hotties and string bikinis.  And there are those things that should probably never be paired.  Helmut Lang, an Austrian filmmaker, decided last year that he wanted to pair Christianity and pornography and he is now suffering some of the consequences of that decision.  With titles such as The Passions of the Christ, Brotherly Love, Love Thy Neighbor and Oh God, I’m Coming under his belt, Lang figured that it was just a matter of time before Paramount would be tapping him to direct their next feature, but Lang has instead become enemy number one of the Christian right and now faces possible criminal charges.  Lang feels that Christians have been portrayed as being bad at sex, that they only do the missionary position, so he wanted to show the world that being a Christian can be sexy and also incorporate Christian messages in his movies.  But several leading Christian groups apparently don’t want Christians to be portrayed as being sexy and they hardly see Lang as a Jesus-like character.  Pastor John Roberts, the President of the Christian Family Values Coalition, wants Lang to be punished for his transgressions.  Upon hearing this Lang responded, “I guess I won’t be releasing Sermon on the Mounds anytime soon.”