LONG BEACH, Calif. — What California commuter hasn’t ever had the urge to just walk away from traffic entirely? Well, George Hart found a way to kayak away from it all.
To be sure, there are plenty of jokes about trashy conditions and skanky water quality in the notorious SoCal landmark that is the Los Angeles River, but such folklore didn’t stop the resourceful Hart from making an impromptu purchase of a kayak and sliding into the murky waters a few months ago.
“I saw the ‘Kayak For Sale’ sign, then I saw a sign that said “Los Angeles River,” and just then the song “Rollin’ on the River” came over the radio! I didn’t even know there was any water in the damn river — it was an act of faith. I never even looked back at my car. I shelled out fifty bucks on the spot and dragged that kayak somehow down to actual water, put the yellow beast in, and it’s been smooth paddling ever since.”
And how has the commute been so far? Hart admits that he’s pretty wet and dirty by the time he gets to work in downtown Long Beach, but manages to sneak into work before his colleagues and make use of a company shower. George also claims that his unconventional commute has helped him lose 100 pounds – not too many L.A. highway commuters can claim that.
What’s the strangest thing he has seen on the Los Angeles River? “Large trees, exotic birds, schools of fish, friendly people — I was completely unprepared for those things.”
What’s the oddest thing that ever happened? “I almost got tagged once by a gang, but they were so blown away by me, this strange guy floating down the river, that they dropped their cans and they now salute me when I pass their way and call me the Loco Rio Hombre.”
LOS ANGELES, CA – Casual Fridays- the option to dress casually at work on Fridays – has become a fairly common business practice, but several U.S. companies are rethinking “Casual Fridays.” The L.A. based Michael Alex Sportswear company ended the practice because some employees had simply become too casual. Alex Michael, the company’s President, decided two years ago to drop his requirement for “professional attire” on Fridays but he made the decision to restore it recently based on the actions of several employees. Apparently some in shipping had been coming to work in their underwear and the bookkeeper wore her stained bathrobe to work two weeks ago. One employee, Blanca Lopez, asked for the change when she discovered that her cubicle mate, Irving Schwartz, had stopped wiping his ass on Fridays. The smell got so bad she could no longer do her work. Some of the other casual Friday behavior included: not brushing teeth, not using tampons, not flushing the toilet, and just plain not working.
EAST L.A. — For most Angelenos, the holiday season is a time to get together with friends and family, and enjoy a little holiday cheer. For Jose Ramirez (aka Chico Hombre), the holiday season has been a time to deal with painful memories of Christmas’ past. Hombre grew up in the rough and tumble streets of East L.A. and his father was an alcoholic and his Uncle “Frosty” was a notorious cocaine dealer. This holiday season, however, promises to be a better time for dear Chico. Several years ago, acting on the advice of his therapist, he started writing songs to help him deal with his pain and his songs are now major hits on several Spanglish radio stations. “I think my songs reflect the lives of many Angelenos. Everyone I grew up with had at least a few f*%ed up people in their family,” said Hombre during a recent radio interview. “My aunt was a puta, my cousin is a puto, and my dog got AIDS from a dirty needle he stepped on in the alley behind our house. It’s a pretty messed up world, but singing about it makes it less painful.” So if you’re looking to lighten your pain burden during this holiday season, check out Chico’s songs, “Frosty the Blowman” and “Police Navidad”, on his My Space site: www.myspace.com/chicohombre
DOWNTOWN – It’s the holidays and that means it’s holiday home tour season! Holiday home tours are a great way for the community to come together and enjoy the holiday spirit and residential design together. As an addded bonus, many tours are associated with local charities or community organizations and tour tickets and gift purchases help support those in need. The Center for Urban Modular Design has put together an exciting tour of the homes of the homeless on Los Angeles Street and it’s a major hit. Attendees get a chance to experience some unique habitats while sipping on some warm holiday concoctions prepared by the architect/owners. Since many Angelenos are headed toward homelessness the tour gives one some great ideas on how to make a home out of found objects. One resident built a Gaudi-esque masterpiece using an abandoned Ford Expedition, cardboard, and traffic cones. “Frank Gehry did the tour last week and I saw him taking pictures and taking notes,” said architecture critic Bruno Levi. “These hobos are literally working outside and inside the box and that freedom is allowing them to redefine the American home.”
SIMI VALLEY— After three weeks of searing temperatures and fires, the National Weather Service is forecasting colder weather for California this week, prompting Governor Schwarzenegger and Mayor Villaraigosa to issue an evacuation notice urging Angelenos to pack up and evacuate to warmer climes.
Temperatures are expected to be two degrees colder than normal. Hotels in Nevada and Arizona have been bombarded with business since the announcement and most are already booked. Howard Jackson, the owner of Bob’s Adult Motel in Winslow, Arizona, describes the evacuation situation as chaotic, “I don’t have the staff to handle this number of people. I can barely get the sheets changed in this place as it is. I hope people aren’t expecting much. This is an adult motel, it’s not the Hampton Inn. Some people are bringing kids with them. They better bring earplugs too.”
Dr. Shirley Kaharty, with the Los Angeles County Department of Health Services, believes that the evacuation is absolutely necessary and will save millions of lives. “We know that cold weather can kill people, animals, plants, and damage property. Why risk it? Going to Arizona and Nevada for the weekend could be fun. People should think of this as an adventure and stop complaining. I’m going to Mandalay Bay in Vegas and I intend to have a good time.”
It also appears that the evacuation may become mandatory. A Schwarzenegger spokesperson said they will not be squeamish about dragging people from their homes. “When the governor makes a declaration he’s not messing around. We’ve got plenty of ways to get people to do what we want.” When asked about the people who have no resources to leave, Schwarzenegger’s spokesperson responded with a shoulder shrug and jumped into a black Yukon and took off.
Most meteorologists are at a loss to explain the drastic change in the weather, but one of them, Dr. Harold Bobkin, has some ideas, “It’s global colding. Everybody’s been so caught up in global warming that they’ve missed the signs of global colding and now it’s about to hit us in the face like an icy snowball.”
Marcus Brashear of Simi Valley has decided to follow the emergency evacuation order, but his wife is staying. “I think this is a good time for him to leave,” she giggled. “I’ll be okay. We’ve got a new hot tub and I”ve got a new friend to keep me warm.”
VAN NUYS – Magnet schools are specialized public schools that draw students who are interested or adept in specific subjects such as science or the arts. The John Holmes Memorial High School in the Van Nuys is a magnet school that gives youngsters interested in a career in the multi-billion dollar adult entertainment industry a “head” start on their careers. The students at Holmes High take a variety of classes to prepare them for various roles in the world of porn including drama, sexual physiology, and body piercing care along with the basics like, well,…you know. The teachers at Holmes High are experienced professionals who are looking to give back and help create the next generation of pornstars. “It’s exciting to see them blossom,” says Harry Peters, a sexual gymnastics instructor. “They come in not even knowing what a Dirty Sanchez is and leave knowing exactly how to do it.” Holmes High graduated its first class this June and several graduates are already starring in films. “I just signed my contract for Butt Blasters #27,” beamed recent grad Cinammon Brandy. “They say if I do a good job I can be in Naughty Nymphos #61.” Holmes High is currently looking for new instructors.
WEST HOLLYWOOD – Many gay men are dismayed by the humdrum sex life that marriage brings and are now filing for divorce and fighting to strengthen laws that limit marriage to heterosexuals. It seems that many that married before the ban are now learning about the three rings of marriage: the engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.
Lawrence Yaeger and Alan Levy got married last year, imagining they’d spend the rest of their years together in domestic bliss. Instead, both say their relationship has soured to the point where they’re filing for one of the county’s first gay divorces.
After their raucous honeymoon in Barbados, Jaeger and Levy settled into married life. The first two months went just fine, but things went south quickly.
“Just because we’re ’same sex’ technically doesn’t mean it has to be the ’same old sex’ all the time! Alan is so literal — it’s like he became boring overnight. Maybe it’s not Alan. Maybe it’s the institution of marriage. I don’t know. It’s all so confusing. See?! It’s just awful. I want out.”
Meanwhile, Christians are delighted by the newfound plight of homosexuals: “God is giving them a little taste of their own medicine. Let’s see how they like it.”
But Levy’s partner, Yaeger, counters that it came down to domestic issues. “I told him that since we were married, we had to do things like stick to a budget. He didn’t like that,” says Yaeger, an accountant. “My mom was right about him — he was only in it for the money.”
While Yaeger is still upset about the breakup, he believes he’ll consider marriage again. “But next time,” says Yaeger, “I’ll spend more time putting my fist down and less time putting it in.”
EL SEGUNDO — They call him “Methane Man,” but he doesn’t care if he’s the butt of jokes — he’s laughing all the way to the biofuel bank. Lex Towns, a chemical engineer, spent 20 years working on finding new energy sources for Mobil until he was laid off and forced to take a job at a local Taco Bell in order to pay the bills. It was that career twist, however, which enabled Towns to make his fortuitous discovery: assoline.
After eating burritos repeatedly at work all week, Towns noticed while driving home one Friday that he had an awful lot of gas. He accidentally let one go while lighting a cigarette, and nearly exploded his car. It turns out that his body is particularly good at making an unusually volatile gas.
“Sure, I’m still working out the smell problem,” says the excited Towns, “so until I solve it, it’s probably best not to drive too close behind me.”
But like other biofuels, Towns’ device turns a natural, organic substance into a viable, gaseous alternative fuel source. Some major energy companies see potential in his production, and are now making him some pretty sweet offers to boost production reserves.
With the world’s oil supply dwindling, and gas prices and ocean levels rising, there’s a desperate need to utilize a new class of alternative and safe biofuels and it appears that Town’s ass is the answer.
WEST HOLLYWOOD – The restaurant enterprise Hooters is a big success. There are now 346 Hooters restaurants in several countries and there are more on the way. Al Jensen, a former Denny’s manager, figured there was room for another anatomy themed restaurant – Hooters is more about breasts than it is about owls – and so last year he took out a loan and opened Peckers. The restaurant, which uses a cute woodpecker logo, serves over fifty varieties of hot dogs in various shapes and sizes. The waiters at Peckers wear anatomy revealing tight shorts and their conversations with customers often include innuendo laced questions like: Do you like your hot dog in a bun? Do you want mayonnaise smothered on your hot dog? What size hot dog do you want?
But Jensen insists that it’s all on the up and up; it’s about the food. “Sure, we probably have some people who come in to look at the guys,” says the rotund Jensen,”but if the hot dogs sucked I’d be out of business.” And if you have the necessary equipment and you need a job, you’d be wise to head on down to Peckers because Jensen is looking for a few good men to help him open his second restaurant this fall. “Just remember”, added Jensen, “no stuffing socks down there. We’re an all natural restaurant.”
SANTA CLARITA – Menorah Mountain, a Jewish-themed amusement park, opened this past weekend to large crowds of Southern California Jews. The park is the brainchild of two L.A. area rabbis, Meyer Golden and Seymour Sherman, who were frustrated by the entertainment offerings for Hassidic families. Some of the more tranquil rides like the Whirling Star of David (akin to Disney’s Mad Hatter spinning tea cups) as well as the Soviet Jewry-Go-Round are great fun for the kiddies. The Guilt Trip and The Jewish Mother are old school wooden roller coasters that have riders screaming their lungs out and begging to get off. The food offerings include Hebrew National hot dogs, gefilte fish on a shtick, and herring tacos – like Mexican fish tacos served with a dollop of horseradish. The most popular game at the park is the Irv Rubin Shooting Gallery, where one can vent their frustrations at toy Nazi soldiers, white supremacists, Middle East terrorists and many others icons of intolerance who have given the Jews a hard time over the years. Despite the big opening, Golden and Sherman are concerned about meeting their operating costs as it seems that no one wants to pay the asking price for the tickets and the haggling at the gate is causing many to turn away.
